(Post 88/Year 1 Week 25) Chill and Relax part 2: 100 Jokes From Singapore part 1


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Back again with part 2 of chill and relax

Presenting 100 jokes from Singapore!

100 jokes from Singapore is one of my early attempt to write an eBook(about 5 years ago?). Deciding not to leave it in a DUST
,here i am…

Disclaimers note: Do note that some of the joke(in fact most )are not created by me but let’s just laugh, and enjoy this post without worrying about the small detail,ok?with that,let’s head off to having a good laugh,eh? 

Let’s start off with a series of questions and answer…..

1)

If mantou and tau sar bao went to see a sad movie, who will cried?

Answer: tau sar bao because mantou no filling (feeling, geddit?)

Ok moving on…. 

2) 

If a big bao and a tao sar bao went to see the same sad movie again who cried?
Answer: Big bao because more filling (feeling, still geddit?)

Last one guys…. 

3)

If a lian rong bao and a tao sar bao, both the same size went to see the same movie yet again, who cried?
Answer: Lian rong bao, because tao sar bao see third time liao see until sian (bored in hokkien dialect)liao.

There seem to be an American version with burger somewhere my friend remarked when he read this joke.My reply was “that why this post is called 100 jokes from singapore and not 100 American jokes, lol!” 
By the way have you heard of the Singapore version of the three little bear story? 

4)

3 bears came home after a hunting trip:
“Somebody has been eating my porridge “said Father Bear.
“Somebody has been eating my porridge too “said Brother Bear.
“Somebody has been eating my porridge and eaten it all up “cried Baby Bear
Mama Bear:F.ucking fatties, I haven’t even cook the f, ucking porridge yet….

Okay, I actually contemplated whether to omit out the bad words in that joke, but you know it doesn’t really have the punchline without it…Anyway I am not stereotyping on Singaporean girl lazy to cook nowadays or maybe? Here’s a joke about women anyway.. 

5) 

Why are hurricanes named after women?
Answer: They all start wet and wild and when they leave, they take the car and house with them

6)

Why is NS man the most eligible man in the Singapore?
Answer: because he can cook and sew! Most importantly he is already used to taking orders from people

Fortunately, all Singaporean man have to serve 2 years of conscripted national service so that make us all eligible,yay! 
Talking about national service, there is quite a few jokes about it….


7) 
How many NS man does it take to change the lightbulb?
Answer: 12 man
1 Commanding officer to approve training
1 supervising officer
1 conducting officer
1 safety officer
1 sergeant to conduct warmup and cool down
1 medic
1 vehicle operator
1 storeman for the drawing of bulb and water point
2 medics in the medical center
1 medical officer on standby at the nearest 24hr medical center
1 NSF man to participate in training
1 clerk to loan out the lesson plan

Okok, perhaps only ns man are able to geddit, anyway time for some heartland joke..

8) 

Ah Beng and Ah Seng went to a hawker center. Ah Seng noticed the hygiene grades issued by the Ministry of Health posted at each stall and asked Ah Beng, “Eh, the ‘A’, ‘B’, ‘C’ ‘D’ stand for what ah?”
Ah Beng snorted and said, “Aiyah, this sort of thing you also donno! ‘D’ stands for ‘delicious’, ‘C’ stands for ‘can eat’, ‘B’ stand for ‘buay sai’ (cannot) and ‘A’ stand for ‘Alamak’!”*(oh my god!)

There is another version for this though..

9)

Ah Beng and Ah Seng went to a hawker center. Ah Seng noticed the hygiene grades issued by the Ministry of Health posted at each stall and asked Ah Beng, “Eh, the ‘A’, ‘B’, ‘C’ ‘D’ stand for what ah?”
Ah Beng snorted and said, “Aiyah, this sort of thing you also donno! “A” stand for  “A sai”( can lah) “,”B” stands for ” buay pai(not bad)”,”C” stands for can ka sai(like shit) and “D” stand for “diarrhea”.

Random question coming up…

10)

How do you confuse a Malay dude?
Answer: Put him in a round room and ask him to lepak (relax) one corner.

11)

Ben: the other day I went to city harvest church for Sunday service and tell a joke, do you know what happened?
Adam: No, what happened?
Ben: when I tell the joke, everyone went Kong hehehe and sun hohoho

12)

Why didn’t anyone win the contest?
Answer: Because the contestants were “conned”

13) 

Why couldn’t john log into his singpass?
Answer: Because he didn’t pass his singing.

14) 

Why are concerts always windy?
Answer: because there is a lot of fans
15)

Which animal is the best fighter?
Answer: zebra because it has a black belt

16)

Teacher from which secondary school dun earn much?
Answer: Dunearn Secondary school

The next joke may be a tad racist but still please do take it with a pinch of salt

17)

A tourist from India came to visit Singapore and was given a tour by the tour guide. the guide took him to the marina bay Skypark, and couldn’t help but boast “From here you can see the whole of Singapore, we pride ourselves on being the cleanest and greenest city…. unlike India. You won’t be able to find “dirty” in Singapore!!’

Anger by the tour guide words the Indian tourist started surveying Singapore’s landscape determined to prove his guide wrong. True to the tour guide word, Singapore was really a clean and green country and he would not find any fault with it. Finally, just as he was about to give up, he spotted a dirty patch amidst the sea of cleanliness.

“THERE! What’s that dirty patch there?” he said triumphantly to his tour guide. Disbelieving, the guide took the binoculars.
“Oh. That’s Little India.”

Lol!! Once again I apologize if the joke sound crude

18) 

Teacher: Ah Kau, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much would your father still have?
Ah Kau: $10.
Teacher: You don’t know Maths.
Ah Kau: You don’t know my father la!

So this teacher didn’t give up and ask another question, this time to ah meng the gangster of the class…

19)

Teacher: Ah Meng, if you have ten apples and your neighbors take two apples from you, how many apples you left?
Ah meng: One dead neighbor and ten apples

Next was the science lesson, once again teacher pop out a question

20) 

Teacher: Where were you born?
Ah Ming: Singapore, Sir.
Teacher: Which part?
Ah Ming: All of me

Another question from the teacher…

21) 

Teacher: How old is your father, ah Lian?
Ah Lian: Same as me la.
Teacher: How can that be?
Ah Lian: He only became a father when I born lor!

22) 

Teacher: Ah Beng, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Ah Beng: A teacher

23) 

Teacher: “I killed a person” convert this sentence into future tense
Ah Beng: The future tense is “you will go to jail”

School ended and Ah Kau went home

24) 

Father: your teacher just calls and said that it was impossible to teach you anything!!
Ah Kau: That’s why I tell you she’s no good ah!

Soon, exam period came and was over as quickly as it came…

25) 

Mother: Ah Kau, come here.
Ah Kau: Yes, mum.
Mother: You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse.
Ah Kau: But but but….I will only get my report card tomorrow
Mother: I know that, but I’m going Hong Kong tomorrow so I’m scolding you now.

Report card came the next day…

26)

Father: Why did you fail your Mathematics Test, ah Kau?
Ah Kau: On Monday, the teacher said 3 + 5 = 8
Father: So?
Ah Kau: On Tuesday, she said 4 + 4 = 8, On Wednesday, she said 6 + 2 = 8, if she can’t make up her mind, how I know which one is the right answer?

Continuing on…

27) 

Teacher to ah meng: Why can’t you answer any of the questions?
Ah meng to teacher: what could be the point of coming to school if I am able to answer all your questions, Cher?

28) 

Ah heng: teacher, I can’t solve this problem
Teacher: Any five year old should be able to solve this one
Ah heng: No wonder I can’t do it then, I’m, almost ten

29) 

Teacher: Define absolute zero, tom
Tom: the lowest grade you can get on a test

30) 

Teacher: What is the equivalent of sixty seconds?
Tom: give me a minute and I will think about it

31) 

Ah Beng: teacher, tom keep looking at my answer
Teacher: Don’t worry, he won’t find anything

Recently, the Singapore soccer team seems to like asking foreign country soccer team to come and have a friendly match here, this is what happened after one such event

32)

A policeman was walking around and checking the national stadium after a soccer game, just then he spotted a young boy, curious the police went up to question the young boy
Police: young boy, what are you still doing here the match is already over and where are your parent?
Young boy: I don’t want to go home, my father beat me, my mother beat me, everyone in my family beat me, even the family dog bark at me, I don’t want to go home
Police: Then where do you want to go?
Young boy: the Singapore soccer team
Police: Why do you want to go to the Singapore soccer team?
Young boy: because the Singapore soccer team never beat anybody

33) 

I’m going home to my mother! “Threatened ah meng wife
“Go ahead! “Shouted, ah meng
“But I am coming back with her! “Stated ah meng wife triumphantly

34)

What do you call a Hokkien cow’s father and mother?
Answer: cow peh and cow bu

35)

Got this army private sent overseas for his army life
Of course, he didn’t like to go there lah. He preferred here mah. Here can go Geylang anytime.
He looked around his camp. It was in the middle of the desert. Wah Lau eh! Stay here for half a year sure die one.
So he asked his sergeant, “You know, Sergeant. We all are also a man. So here, if we cannot tahan, how?”
The sergeant smiled and pointed to some camels outside. “No worry. I understand. If you want, use the camel lor.”
Army private thought, “Wah lau eh. I die die also dun want to f* a camel.”
But three weeks later, he really cannot tahan Liao.
So that night, he chose the smallest camel and f* it.
After that, he went to the Sergeant, “Wah lau eh. F* a camel where got fun? So big. So smelly.”
“Huh?” the Sergeant’s eyes opened big big. “You f* the camel?”
“You said one mah. You said if cannot tahan, use the camel.”
“Yes, we use the camels,” the sergeant said. “We use to camels to take us to the town. There got women mah.”

36) 

Ah Seng was dying, his wife ah lian was by his bedside.“ ah lian,” he said in a tired voice, “lim peh ka li kong, there’s something I must confess.”
“Aiya,” say ah lian, “just lie down there lah, no need to say anything.”
“No,” say ah seng, “I must die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother.”
“I know,” says ah lian, “That’s why I poisoned you mah! Now lie down there and close your eyes.”

37) 

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, “You’re charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.”
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, “You b******.”
The judge says, “You’re also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer.”
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, “You God-damned b******.”
The judge stops, and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, “Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I’ll charge you with contempt. Is that a problem?”
The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, “For fifteen years, I’ve lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one.”

38) 

An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep, but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk.
She said, “You use to hold my hand when we were courting.”Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said, “Then you used to kiss me.” Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said. “Then you use to bite my neck. “Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
“Where are you going?” she asked.
“To get my teeth!”

39) 

Why is teacher mostly bachelor?
Answer: because when they talk no one is listening

40)

Twenty minutes into the one hour journey to ah swee party…
Ah Lian: stop, we got to go home
Ah Lian husband: why?
Ah Lian: I’ve forgotten my phone
Ah Lian husband: trust me you will be having too much fun at a party to remember your phone
Ah Lian: But I need to call ah swee and tell her that we’ll be late
Ah Lian husband: why will we be late?
Ah Lian: because we had to go back for my phone

Ah Lian was at the party..

41) 

Ah swee: My husband has one hundred thousand in his bank!
Ah Lian: That’s nothing I made my husband a millionaire!
Ah swee: How did you do it?
Ah lian: When i spend his ten millions…

42)
One day, ah meng show up at work with a black eye
Ah Seng to ah meng: you look terrible, did you have a fight with your wife last night?
Ah meng to ah seng: yes I did but do not worry, because I always have the last word in an argument
Ah Seng to ah meng: what is the last word?
Ah meng to ah seng: it’s sorry

43)

a man has just got his, new library card, having some queries he approach the pretty librarian
Man to pretty librarian: with this card, can I take out any book?
Librarian to man: Yes, you may
Man to the pretty librarian: can I also, borrow and take out DVD?
Pretty librarian to man: Yes, you may
Man to pretty librarian: Can I also borrow and take you out?
Pretty librarian (blushing) to man: the librarian, sir, are for reference only

44)

During rush hour, there was a heavy traffic jam
Passenger to taxi driver: can you go any faster?
Taxi driver to passenger: can lah but I am not allowed to leave my taxi lah

45) 

James went to the dentist to get his wisdom tooth pluck out. James asked the dentist “how much for pulling out my wisdom tooth”?
“50 dollars!” Came the reply
“50 dollars for such a quick operation?!!” Complained James
“I would do it very slowly to get your money worth” came the quick reply

More ns joke…

46)

A: Have you heard about the stupid blur sotong recruit in tekong
B: No, what did he do?
A: when the sergeant asked him to drop twenty, he took out twenty cents and drop on the floor!
47)

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn’t a chicken sandwich. He said,
“Hey, how come you’re not eating chicken, don’t you like it anymore?”
“I love it but I have to stop eating it.”
“Why?” he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said,
“Because I’m starting to grow little feathers down there!”
“Let me see,” he said.
“Okay,” she said and she pulled up her skirt,
He looked and said,
“That’s right you better not eat any more chicken.”
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl,
“I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I’m starting to get feathers down there too!”
She asked if she could look so he pulled down his pants for her. “Oh, my God, it’s too late for you, you’ve already got the neck and gizzard!!” she said.

48) 

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window.
He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed, the doctor began to stroke her thigh.
He asked her, “Do you know what I’m doing?”
“Yes,” she replied, “you’re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.”
“That is right,” said the doctor.
He then began to fondle her breasts.
“Do you know what I’m doing now?” he asked.
“Yes,” the woman said, “you’re checking for any lumps or Breast Cancer.”
“Correct,” replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounts his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her.
He asked, “Do you know what I’m doing now?”
“Yes,” she said. “You’re getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place!”

49)
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.
The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
“Well,” he said, “I’ve been seeing this girl for a while and she’s really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight’s “the” night. We’re having dinner with her parents, and then we’re going out and I’ve got a feeling I’m gonna get lucky after that.
“Once she’s had me, she’ll want me all the time, so you’d better give me the 12 pack.” The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer but continues praying for several minutes.
The girl leans over and says, “You never told me that you were such a religious person.”
He replied in a hushed whisper “you never told me that your dad was a pharmacist!”

50)

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves when the little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.
He says, “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.”
The grandfather smiles. “I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t. It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.”
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he stuffs the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather, impressed with his grandson’s ingenuity, hands him five dollars … then grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.
The little boy says, “Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars?”
The grandfather replies, “Yes, I know. But that’s from your grandma!”

Hope you all enjoy the jokes,another 50 jokes coming up in a future post!

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